Engineering management is often described as a technical leadership role. But most of the job is not about code. It is about people: understanding them, giving feedback, handling conflict, building trust, and helping a team do its best work.
Several books have shaped how I think about this: Surrounded by Idiots, Surrounded by Bad Bosses, Radical Candor, and How to Win Friends and Influence People. Here are the lessons I find most useful.
People need different things from you
Surrounded by Idiots describes four broad communication styles using colors. Some people are fast and direct. Some are social and full of ideas. Others are calm, patient, and supportive. Some prefer detail, structure, and clear facts.
The labels are not perfect, and people should not be placed into fixed boxes. Still, the main lesson is valuable: the way you prefer to communicate may not work for everyone.
As an engineering manager, I try to adjust my approach.
A developer who likes detail may need a written plan before starting. A fast-moving engineer may prefer a quick decision and the freedom to act. A quieter team member may need time to think before sharing an opinion.
Good communication is not only about being clear. It is about being clear in a way the other person can understand.
Do not become the bad boss you once had
Surrounded by Bad Bosses shows how leadership problems often come from a mismatch between the manager and the employee. A manager may think they are being helpful, while the employee feels controlled, ignored, or rushed.
This is an important reminder: your intention matters less than the effect your behavior has on the team.
For example, checking progress every few hours may feel like support to you. To the engineer, it may feel like a lack of trust. Giving someone complete freedom may feel empowering, but they may experience it as a lack of direction.
Ask simple questions:
“What support would help you most?”
“Do you want advice, feedback, or space to solve this?”
“Is my level of involvement working for you?”
Strong managers do not assume they know what people need. They ask.
Be kind enough to be honest
The core idea of Radical Candor is simple: care personally and challenge directly.
Feedback should not be cruel, but it should also not be hidden behind vague language. Saying “Everything looks fine” when someone is struggling does not protect them. It prevents them from improving.
Useful feedback is clear, specific, and focused on behavior.
Instead of saying, “You need to communicate better,” try:
“When the release date changed, the rest of the team did not hear about it until the next day. Next time, please post an update as soon as the plan changes.”
It also helps to ask for feedback before giving it. A manager who welcomes criticism makes honesty safer for everyone.
Make people feel seen
How to Win Friends and Influence People teaches a timeless lesson: people respond better when they feel respected and understood.
Learn what matters to each person. Listen without preparing your reply. Give honest appreciation. Admit when you are wrong. Avoid embarrassing people in front of others.
In engineering teams, recognition does not always need to be dramatic. Thank someone for improving a test suite, helping a teammate, writing clear documentation, or raising a risk early.
People are more likely to accept your feedback when they know you also notice their good work.
The main lesson
The best engineering managers are not the ones with all the answers. They are the ones who stay curious about people.
Adapt your communication. Check the effect of your leadership. Give honest feedback with care. Listen closely. Show appreciation. Admit mistakes.
Technical knowledge may help you earn trust at the start. How you treat people determines whether you keep it.
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